However, I am on the floor again. I've been taking the easy way out. I've been letting the bitch ocd win far too often. But I didn't really want to be in my bed. Not after the things he said to me at the beginning of this month. Hell, I didn't even want to exist after that. Sure, sure, he followed it all with sometimes I feel that way, but the damage had been done. Those words had been etched into my very freaking soul.
It's a slow climb, and one I'm not completely sure I want to make. I feel like I have done this so many times, only to have the rug yanked out from beneath me. There's only so many times a person will run after a 10 mile goal, only to get to 8 miles and have the marker moved to 30. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm tired, people. Tired. Bone tired, and mentally exhausted. I ask what the hell I am fighting for when (a) it seems like everything I thought I had is gone and (b) it never seems to really matter anyhow.
I've been in a dark place, not suited for blogging. And yes, I know I have potential. I know I could do great things. I know I could have a good life. Thing is, half of me feels like it's missing. I feel shattered and broken. It's an effort to summon the desire to live every day, let alone do anything else.
But, I got up today and ate a healthy breakfast. I took a vitamin. I ate a healthy snack. I started thinking about healthy recipes. I forced myself to tackle a couple of chores that scared me. I guess I am trying again. However, if I am to be honest here, I am so close to breaking point that I don't know what will happen if this all falls apart and something like what happened at the beginning of the month happens again. At that point, I think I'd like to crawl up my own ass and die. It usually takes days to a couple of weeks for me to find my center again. It took a month this time, and I can't even say I'm really there even now. I'm forcing myself. I have to. I keep hoping there's something to all of that "fake it 'til you make it" shit.
I can say with authority that "fake it till you make it", while not a panacea, can work in many situations. I've been in ERP for about 6 months, and I find that when I have a major setback of the magnitude you've just had, I find that I don't go back to square one, even if I go back to old compulsions. I find that I've learned how to re-make the progress more easily, the tall grass on the path has already been trod once or twice and yields more readily. I find myself beating myself up for my own perceived lack of progress or setbacks, and it's often only by saying, "F*** it, I'm doing this anyway" and pretending that I can do it that I can then actually do it. Oh, and off-topic, but I want a tattoo of your Dune quote. I recited it to my therapist at my first session, and she wasn't familiar with it, but she thinks it should be the official OCD recovery mantra. :)
ReplyDeleteGlad to see u back. I sent u a msg on twitter. I hope things get better between u and the hubby. Good job with not washing as much. :)
ReplyDeleteI came here this morning, read these comments, and smiled. Going this path through oct alone has not been an easy or pleasant task. The support and acknowledgment from others who are actually doing battle with the same monster is so incredibly uplifting. It means a lot, and I want to say thank you. I really do sincerely appreciate each and every comment that people take the time to write for me.
ReplyDeleteThe quotes in my sidebar, those are my battle cries! Sometimes I forget that this blog was intended to keep me moving in the right direction, and if I stay the course, it really does. And I LOVE the quote about the path being made through the tall grass. Wonderful imagery and that one is going to stick with me.